The Little Angel Called Hope
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The Little Angel Called Hope

I...I wanna chat...I wanna call...I've given him part of me that I'd never give to anyone else... and I feel abandoned...and alone...like the world just shut me out when I gave that part up. I want to get that reassurence that my existence means something. He's the only one I feel need for...he's the only one I long for...he's the only thing I care abou. And I keep thinking I can get it to work...but deep down inside I know...I can't get it to work. It'll never work...and I'll always be alone! I was born alone...I'll die alone...it's fate. That's how it was meant to be. I'm the only one...he broke up w/ me and he has lots of girls who will take my place...me...I have no one...no guys like me...none have for the past 5 years...I've never been asked to a dance or to be danced with in 5 years...do you know how that feels?! There is no one else. No guy has ever liked me...and no guy ever will again. It's a matter of principle...I'm alone...just like I was before and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I know...in a while I'll go to bed and cry myself to sleep and wake up in the morning with a wet pillow and red eyes and go to school and live my life like it was before...alone. It's fate...that's how it's gonna be. I...I can't except the fact that it's really over, that I'll never hear the words "I love you" from that name again. Deep down inside I think that there will be a way for me to make it work...but I know I really can't. I'm afraid to lose...I don't wanna let go of him...I loved him more than anything...and I still do. I'm agraid to go back to my life alone again. It's what I've always feared...the game of love wasn't meant for me. I don't know if I can make it work...there's a little angel callded hope telling me it will. A long time ago...when the world was new...a young girl named Pandora opened a box and let out pain and suffering into the world...then the angel came out...and she was called hope. I feel the hope...but I know that the pain and suffering is always what comes before the angel is released. But, I guess I'm alone...like I've always been. When Pandora opened her box...the hope wasn't meant for me...it was just a trick by the evil...I can't help it but I can't throw that love away! I can't except the fact that I'm alone...and I'll always be alone. For the rest of my life. It's destiny. I wasn't meant to be loved...and I know that...no on could love me. I'm worthless and...I'm alone again...like I'll always be...forever alone in a world where hatred rules and love is a fantasy never to be touched. I could wait for an eternity and beyond...I'll wait...alone...I'll always be waiting for the love I feel to come back to me...but it never will and if I'm not waiting, then I'll be crying. Crying for the hope that I cannot feel. For the love I cannot share. I know it'll never work...I knew...but...there is a voice inside of me. I would do anyting for just him to say he loves me again. I'd even sacrifice myself. I don't care, he meant so much to me..but...I can't let go! I ould give up everything I had...just for his love...because...I can't accept it!! I just can't accept the fact that I'm alone!! Why can't I? WHY?! Is it because I'm afraid I'll never find anyone else? But...I've never felt this strongly before...but that little voice inside me tells me never to give up...it tells me to keep on trying...it's the only thing that is keeping me from ending my life and meeting my fate now...why does love end this way? Why does love end with hurt, pain, and suffering? Why was I meant to be toyed with...why was I meant to be hurt so? I think in my mind "Why don't I end my pain now, instead of living a lifetime alone" but...I don't know what is keeping me alive right now. I want to know...it's like...somehow I can relight the light of love...even if it takes my life. I can love...but I can also feel pain...I feel it everday of my life...and now...I must go back, and feel it alone. The pain used to be bad, really bad, surging through my body, but I could not learn to live with pain. But he helped me...he filled what the pain had killed...and that's what I lost...that's why I lost...that's why I'm alone like I was and I always will be. Maybe...deep down inside, I know that I'll find someone else. Someone who can help me fill the hole and keep away the pain, someone who won't hurt me in the end. But...if I know that deep down inside...then why is it only him I long for? Because he's the only one who ever truely could understand me...and that is a soul mate...I have lost. I have lost more then I ever thought I could lose. I lost my soul...like it's been ripped out of me. Yet...if he is my soul mate, he will come back, and that...that is what I hope. That is my angel...that I have waited for to come out of the box of sorrows. That is what I can believe in. That if it was truely meant to be...he'll come back...he'll realize what he's done...and how he feels and if he doesn't return...he'll find another...and do the same. And I'll be alone. But, I'll focus on that hope...I'll focus on that shining angel called hope...that he'll come back for me. And I'll wait...I'll await the angel...until it comes for me...that's all I can do...we cannot live without hope. We are born with hopes...and we live through hope...it is the ones who give up hope, that parish. I won't give up hope! I'll wait til my time is up...and I'll always let hope fill my heart. The hope that love will come back to me.

-Jenni Kirby

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